So I suck so bad at this. A lot has happened in the last few months.
1) I got a job at Old Navy which is pretty awesome. I spend the majority of my paycheck back at Old Navy
2) I no longer have a boyfriend which is less awesome. I really liked him but it was such a physical relationship and I’m too needy and fucking scared him away. We broke up over the phone while I was 1 state over and he fucking cried, and I fucking cried. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I think I’m starting to realize that I just miss the relationship, not the person that I was in the relationship with. But the saddest thing I think is that he ignored all of my attempts to see him one more time when I got back into town. It felt so awful breaking up over the phone and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday which really hurt. I have another boy interest now that I super like and met on okc but I’m trying to take it slow with this one but I’m pretty much failing which sucks but we will see what happens. Intellectually, he is amazing and I feel like we really have this connection. Sexually he is wonderful too but every time we have sex I can’t help but think about my ex “Oh I loved it when my ex did this” “I wish that this guy would do that like my ex did”. It makes me feel guilty and like I’m trying to get over this too fast? But it also feels like I’m over it anyway and that there is no point in wasting time mourning a fake relationship that could barely last a month.
3) I turned 21 like 3 days ago which kicks ass
4) The only boy I have ever loved texted me last night out of nowhere wanting to catch up and even though it’s been 4 years, I don’t know how to handle it. This is the boy that I spent countless hours crying over my senior year of high school and he just wants to catch up like nothing ever happened. The fact that he can just text me and leave me this emotional and confused makes me feel so pathetic and ridiculous. I thought I have matured over these last 4 years and even though I hoped I would never have to be faced with this again, I always thought that I would be able to handle it without freaking out this much. But then again, I never imagined that he would make sexual jokes towards me which made my fucking heart drop into the pit of my stomach. We talked about meeting next Wednesday for coffee or something. I had plans but after we talked about it, I went and rearranged them to free my schedule.
I always joked that if he were to text me and see if I wanted to catch up, I would drop everything and do it. I never imagined that I actually would.