Well this has been a waste of time. I told The Vegetarian that I don’t want to see him anymore because I like him too much. I told him over text because our plans fell through again. I just deserve better. So much better. I’m just sick if being someones second choice. It feels like, not only with boys but with a lot of things, that I am never anyone’s first choice friend. And I deserve to find a boy especially that will treat me like I am their first choice. That will rearrange their schedule sometimes because I am busy too. Who will text me wanting to hang out with me because they miss me, not because I texted them. I feel like that isn’t too much to ask… So The Vegetarian is sadly done with.

BUT there is this HOT HOT HOT boy that works with me. Lets call him Old Navy. He is too freaking cute and he listens to twenty one pilots and raps and I just can’t handle it. I want to get at that. I want it bad. Too bad whenever I see him I get all flustered and say stupid things so he probably thinks that I’m a freak but that’s worked to my advantage in the past so we will see what happens. 


I went over to The Vegetarian’s house last night and it was a lot of fun. I was going to try and bring up the fact that I don’t want to just be casual anymore but I started to think about it and we have known each other for 2 weeks and I am being a bit ridiculous. So instead I bought some fancy lingerie and fucked him. There was a lot of cuddling involved and I super like him. I just hope that the next time we hang out, which will be Sunday, we will go on like a real date. 


Last night I slept with a dental student. I’m going to try to trick him into marrying me because he is going to make a lot of money and I am going to die starving because I am getting a degree in theatre. I have to survive somehow. 

But this other boy that I mentioned before, I don’t want to use his real name because that’s awkward like what if someone I know reads this (yeah right nobody reads this). Anyway, lets just call him the vegetarian. I’m hanging out with him tomorrow but I don’t know how I feel about it because I feel like he has been ignoring me? I am probably just overreacting because I suck but he bailed on the plans that we had last Wednesday and hasn’t talked to me since. But he just got another job so he is working a lot and I’m sure that he is busy. We are going to hang out tomorrow night and I am going to try not to have sex with him. Because I like him. And I want to date the shit out of this boy. And sex makes everything complicated. But it’s probably too late. 


So I suck so bad at this. A lot has happened in the last few months. 

1) I got a job at Old Navy which is pretty awesome. I spend the majority of my paycheck back at Old Navy

2) I no longer have a boyfriend which is less awesome. I really liked him but it was such a physical relationship and I’m too needy and fucking scared him away. We broke up over the phone while I was 1 state over and he fucking cried, and I fucking cried. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I think I’m starting to realize that I just miss the relationship, not the person that I was in the relationship with. But the saddest thing I think is that he ignored all of my attempts to see him one more time when I got back into town. It felt so awful breaking up over the phone and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday which really hurt. I have another boy interest now that I super like and met on okc but I’m trying to take it slow with this one but I’m pretty much failing which sucks but we will see what happens. Intellectually, he is amazing and I feel like we really have this connection. Sexually he is wonderful too but every time we have sex I can’t help but think about my ex “Oh I loved it when my ex did this” “I wish that this guy would do that like my ex did”. It makes me feel guilty and like I’m trying to get over this too fast? But it also feels like I’m over it anyway and that there is no point in wasting time mourning a fake relationship that could barely last a month. 

3) I turned 21 like 3 days ago which kicks ass

4) The only boy I have ever loved texted me last night out of nowhere wanting to catch up and even though it’s been 4 years, I don’t know how to handle it. This is the boy that I spent countless hours crying over my senior year of high school and he just wants to catch up like nothing ever happened. The fact that he can just text me and leave me this emotional and confused makes me feel so pathetic and ridiculous. I thought I have matured over these last 4 years and even though I hoped I would never have to be faced with this again, I always thought that I would be able to handle it without freaking out this much. But then again, I never imagined that he would make sexual jokes towards me which made my fucking heart drop into the pit of my stomach. We talked about meeting next Wednesday for coffee or something. I had plans but after we talked about it, I went and rearranged them to free my schedule. 

I always joked that if he were to text me and see if I wanted to catch up, I would drop everything and do it. I never imagined that I actually would. 


Friday I saw TFIOS and I don’t know why I thought that it was a good idea ever to ever see that movie. I’m still emotional about it and I will be forever and ever. I haven’t had any time to write about it because I worked all day yesterday (gross) and then went straight to Elitch Gardens to get high with my friends and ride roller coasters. It was an interesting experience definitely.


Got back from Portland last night at about 6. It was so much fun. I miss it already. The best part about my trip was most definitely the beach. I can’t believe that I have never been to the ocean before. It was so surreal. I can really picture myself living in Portland. Maybe one day I will.

Also I guess I have a boyfriend now? It’s Facebook official and everything I like him a lot. He was the first person I saw yesterday after my parents. I went over to his house pretty much as soon as I got off the plane. I can’t believe that that has happened either. It’s been a rally great couple of days.


Hello from Portland! It’s gorgeous out here. Got in yesterday at about 10 and had brunch at this cute little French cafe. Walked around some downtown and then had dinner with my friend and her sister and brother in law. They are so sweet. We all then took a trip to the International Rose Test Garden where I took waaaaay too many pictures! First day here has been amazing. Pictures to come :)


I spent most of today packing. I was supposed to hang out with that boy again today but he ended up getting super sunburned yesterday and has to open for work tomorrow so we didn’t. I’m a little disappointed but we were texting ALL DAY today which is exciting. He keeps calling me cute pet names and telling me how adorable I am. I really like him. I am disappointed that we didn’t hang out today even though I am understanding. I am leaving for Portland tomorrow and wont be back until Thursday late. I probably wont have a chance to see him again until Saturday or Sunday. Oh well. Portland is going to be a fucking blast I am super stoked. I’ve never flown before so let us see how that goes.


I super suck at writing every day….

I have over the last few days been talking to this boy that I met on tinder and he is super cute and super sweet and like my middle school dream boy I can’t even handle it. He and I are looking for something similar in terms of like a relationship so that’s also exciting. I also could tell that he was at least kind of decent because we talked for more than 10 minutes and he didn’t once mention anal! We spent a very long time talking on the phone on Thursday night and decided that we were going to hang out last night. He picked me up from this like country bar/club thing and took me to his house at like 11. The plan was to just hang out, cuddle, and play video games and I am pretty sure that neither of us planned on having sex but we definitely did. It was so amazing. He’s taking me on a real date tomorrow afternoon and I am really looking forward to it.